Happy Birthday Joe

Dear Joe,

I saw that you were on facebook today. I'm glad that basic training has left you with the ability to type. I'm assuming that means you still have all your fingers.

Do you read the newspaper now? Have you seen Doonsbury lately? The Walden Ethics Class is discussing why they shouldn't enlist because they are in degree programs. How much is a life worth? What gives it value? How can you trade a life for an action? For violence?

I read a magazine article last week about soldiers and the army medical staff in Iraq. Halfway through, I was so upset that I had to put it down. I made myself finish it. The lucky people who come back alive are missing limbs. Others have permanent brain damage.

Last week in Sunday school, we clipped magazines and newspapers to make placemats of things that we're thankful for. Amongst other things, mine had the words "self" and "vote", and a picture of the Vietnam Memorial. I was so upset over what could happend to you, that I almost cried during the service. I have no idea what the sermon was about.

--B

Dear Joe,

I heard about you leaving some time back - before you left - but this is the first that I've looked at your page. I read your post, and I think that on some level, I understand your reasons and motivations.

I support you doing what is best for you. I feel like ever since I took off to Norway and came back, we never really knew each other in the same way. There were reasons and causes I think, and in the end, it's just how it turned out. I think that's ok.

Secretly, to myself, I have wondered a lot about if I ever would, or could enlist. I don't know if I can, or if I ever will. I've never run in military boots, so I can't imagine what I'm really thanking your for. But thank you for going. Thank you so much.

There was an article on the front of the Sunday paper today. It was about a boy from Klamath Falls, named Bryan. He went to Iraq twice. While he was home in between, he sat with his mom on the porch of their house about going back. And both of them knew that after he left, he would not be coming back home again alive. Both of them had to live with that then, and now two years later, she will know that moment in the front of her memory for the rest of her life.

I dream about being in Iraq. In my mind, I have always thought of war as a place that I would not anticipate on coming back from. For me, it always signaled the end of this life, and even if I survived, I think that could be true on some level. I had a dream last night that I was there, and that I had enlisted so that someone else's son didn't have to go.

So, even if I have lost touch, and even if I couldn't do what you are doing, I am thankful. I miss you. And I need you to come back in the end.

--B

Dear Joe,
I thought of you today. I saw a kid who looked like our favorite son (resident), the one we shared custody over. You know the one. He was sitting in the lounge and I almost asked him what he was doing there. Did a double take. But it made me think of you. Wasn't that a crazy year?

A woman died yesterday. I didn't know her very well, but I had met her a few times. She was pretty well known in our circles. Her name is Amelia. After years of struggling with cancer, she was able to rest. I'm crying now for the brave soul she was. How she took classes and worked her way through school until she couldn't any longer. Why?

Please don't die, Joe. I don't think I could handle that.

Love,
Me

Dear Joe,
Did you ever think you'd be where you are now?

I was listening to music this morning while I was working out. The songs were written and performed by a guy I went to high school with. It took me back to high school. What was I thinking those six or seven years ago?

I had no idea I would be here. I don't think you thought you'd be working for housing as long as you did. But I think you always knew that housing was not going to be your home. I'm beginning to wonder the same.

I like my job. I get to affect change in people's lives also. I wonder though, how many people do I really touch? How many people really understand cause and effect? Your choices now can affect your future.

You're doing this noble thing, but do other people understand that you are making a sacrifice? Do people really care? Because you are now a soldier, someone can use chemical weapons against you. Someone can hold you prisoner. Someone could kill you.

I wonder sometimes if it's worth the sacrifice when there are so many ignorant and ungrateful people.

Am I really making a difference though? Do people really change? And how does my job compare to what you are doing? I know I can't compare, but really...if I tried, my job doesn't seem like it has nearly the impact.

I'm feeling off center lately. I hope you are doing okay.

~Me

Dear Joe,
The fall is pretty here. I was walking around this morning and the leaves were swirling in the wind, like in cartoons. It was nice. I like the colors here, but I do miss the trees. There are trees here on campus, but not like when we were at school.

The kids here are doing okay. I think this year's class is a little bit more roudy than others that I've seen. I'm actually surprised no one has started a Facebook group about me yet. ;) Yet.

Do you get weekends off? Or did you have to get up early this morning? I guess you sort of got an extra hour with daylight savings time. I like that extra hour. I'm looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow. ;)

I'm at work right now. I'm really behind on my conduct cases, so I'm getting files ready to hand over to other staff. Yay. That's pretty much making me happy. I wonder how the new ACD is doing. I'm still pretty sure I could have done that job. And I miss the people there often. :(

Anyway, I'm thinking about you. I hope you have a good Sunday, Joe.
~Me

Dear Joe,
I was watching the news today during my lunch break. (Do you have a lunch break?) And the reporter said that more people have died this month than any other month since this war began. People die in war, Joe. And they talked about the chemical weapons that can be used on soldiers. Joe, what if your skin melts off?

Why did you do this? Where will you be? I mean, maybe you won't even be in the middle east. Maybe you'll be in Germany or something. Even Korea isn't safe anymore. Sometimes I wonder if the whole world isn't safe anymore. And you are putting yourself in the thick of it.

I'm trying to support your choice, because I believe that that's what friends should do. But it's not easy right now.

I hope you're doing okay at basic.

Love,
me

Dear Joe,
I cried this morning while I was trying to work out. I was watching the news and President Bush made an address about the situation in Iraq. And do you know what he said? He said that we are going to "begin the de-Baath-ing process." What the hell is that, I ask you. A linguist will tell you that the word makes perfect sense. An educated person would laugh. I cried. In the gym, in front of everyone, and almost fell off the stairmaster.

I thought about you waking up in the cold morning. I thought about what it is like for you to get up that early and work that hard. I know that you are an intelligent person, but I know you enjoy the physicality of working out. I hope that your body is adjusting to all of the things that you have to be doing right now.

You wouldn't want me to cry, Joe. So I'm trying not to. But even as I write this, I feel them welling up. I worry for you.

I worry about why you decided to enlist. You said that you want another soldier to have the opportunity to go home to see family and friend, but Joe, you have family and friends too. You aren't the only one here. I'm angry about that. We care too. You aren't alone. And I wish you didn't act like you were.

Then I feel bad about being angry. I really shouldn't be angry with you for doing this truly wonderful, noble thing. But Joe, what if I never see you again?

I miss you.
~Me

Dear Joe,
You left for basic today. I still can't believe that you are doing this. It's your choice, and I know you made it after considerable thought. I want to support you in your journey, but it's hard for me right now. I want to support your choices because I trust you and your judgement.

I wonder if you woke up this morning to an empty apartment. You said you sent stuff back to your mom to store. I wonder if your apartment felt empty as you woke up. I wonder what you were thinking this morning as you turned your key in the lock for the last time.

Who was there to hug you goodbye when you got on the plane? Who was there to tell you to be careful? Do you know that I will be thinking about you?

Love,
Me